Monday, October 15, 2007

WRITE IT FOR ME

So this is like chapter 4 of the patheticness that is my life. I can't think of anything good to write about myself for a possible profile thingy. Not that I'm writing one of those. Just saying, though. If I did decide to write one, I can't think of anything to write. I keep coming up with "a fat Drew Carey." Something tells me that's not going to be the flower to the ladies' bee. Also, I keep writing "flower to your bee."

So write it for me. It'll be fun. I'm not really expecting anything serious due to the jackass to non jackass ratio here. Also, I've gotta find a new site. The one I've been looking at is um...yeah. Here's a little from a profile I just saw. "i'm overweight big time and if you got a problem, don't bother contacting me. i'm in a wheelchair due to my spine deteriating." Is she Campbell's soup 'cause that sounds mmm...mmmm...good. Ooh. I just made that last part up. Let's use that.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey ladies. I'm Daleberto. In some other language you don't understand that means awesome. In English, which hopefully isn't your native tongue, it means "giant poon-like face."

Speaking of tongues, I'd really like to get to know yours better. Each little crevice and cranny of your tongue should meet every gaping crevice and cranny on my body. It's what we'll do to get more acquainted.

I really like to feel pretty. That's why I'm looking for someone who looks like my mom's hairy nutsack. That way when I look at your dripping face I don't feel like slicing my throat with my own fingernails. I really think I'm a special person. If you disagree with that statement, then I'll probably use your unfortunate face as a lampshade. I've always wondered how our skin stays connected to our body and I think using your face as a table lamp would teach me a great deal about A&P.

Speaking of A&P how about you go get a ketchup bottle and get DP'ed? I'm a fuckin' expert at that shit, though it is usually 4 tire irons and 7 massive penises...and instead of a chick that I'm dating (hopefully you), it's me.

I drive the most badass vehicle known to man. And I'm a Christian so that badass vehicle is called my body. The salesman? That's right...Jesus Christ. But really, the vehicle I was put on this Earth with actually drives another vehicle made by the GM corporation. It's called a Chevy Tracker. I can't think of a more appropriate name for a vehicle I would drive since when I meet a lady I "tracker" down for months and months until she unfortunately finds herself between my front wheel and the wheel well. Actually I can think of a more appropriate name for my vehicle; the Chevy Stalker-which ends up kiiling every girl I ever meet. Yeah, that's much more fitting.

I kill furry, cute animals. I remember when I was young I killed a bunch of cats just to feel powerful. Then I masturbated on the pile. I like to burn churches too. Not Christian ones...mainly mosques. And the big finale, I piss my bed. That's right ladies, I exhibit the stereotypical mass murderer profile and I can be all yours. Just e-mail me with the subject line "Bambi", that way I'll know that you're a candidate for being skinned like a deer.

Also, if you don't have a webcam you need not apply.

Good Day,
Daleberto

DB said...

Your finest work, my friend.

Michael said...


Hey ladies. I'm Daleberto...

That ad is a work of art...


i'm overweight big time and if you got a problem, don't bother contacting me. i'm in a wheelchair due to my spine deteriating.

It's good to see that Kenny's mom is dating again.

But (almost) seriously...

1) Make sure you include a picture, but a good one. Nothing with you wearing sunglasses, or a really grainy group shot.

2) Be interesting and positive. Like with Kenny's mom's ad, she didn't say that she's had almost every STD on the planet (and some from Mars), she would say something like "syphilis-free since 2003!" Accentuate the positive.

3) Don't mention "dropping out" of school. If you want to address the topic, you're better off going with something like "taking some time off of school to pursue an opportunity in journalism which is your passion" (but a little less pansy-sounding).

4) Don't mention living with your mom. If it comes up on a date, just say that you're in a transition while you see what happens with the journalism thing.

5) Try to stay away from emphasizing playing video games or other passive activities. Women tend to be attracted to men who are more dynamic and active. It makes it seem like they (the guys) will take them (the girls) places. I know you're not a fitness-freak, but there has to be some things that you like to go "out" and do.

6) Don't mention that you know Kenny. That's never helped anyone with anything in life.

7) If this works and you get a date, I'll have even more great advice.

(btw, I emailed you back and suggested a couple of better sites than that toothless-love-in-Texas bullshit you were looking at).