Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Dear Jalapeno Tree Waitress...

I'm sure you remember me. I'm the guy who ordered those quesadillas that one time. What am I saying? Of course you remember me. Anyway, Paige, I believe that's your name, I think we shared a moment. It was pretty obvious. You were all, "do you want more Dr. Pepper?" And guess what. I totally did! It was pretty awesome that we were on the same page. That's like your name. I love you.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

This is a real movie!!!

Kirk Cameron is...FIREPROOF! Ya hear that, Satan? Hands off.

Dear Kirk, God called. He wants you to knock it off for a little while. I bet it was hard sticking to his Christian ideals as a kid. Especially with all that sweet Joanna Kerns ass around.

This trailer was on the previews before Tropic Thunder. Everyone in the theater laughed in unison. Good stuff.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Retards apparently don't like being called retards

Ben Stiller's movie, Tropic Thunder, is being widely protested by with "intellectual disabilities" because Stiller plays a character who plays a character who is repeatedly called a "retard." Sigh.

"We are asking people not to go to the movie and hope to bring a consciousness to people about using derogatory words about this population," said Peter Wheeler, spokesman for Special Olympics.

I saw another spokesman for the Special Olympics on Robin Meade's show this morning. He added that there's no reason to "kick these people in the tongue." A few seconds later, he said, "teeth...kick them in the teeth." I guess this retard thing is hitting pretty close to home for him.

I'm sorry people have disabilities, and I don't think they should be made fun of with any kind of malicious intent, but c'mon. It's a fuckin' Ben Stiller movie! A month from now nobody will even remember it. It's not like it's some serious, Oscar-worthy, cinematic masterpiece. Ben Stiller movies are the worst possible movies ever made. I would rather watch a sex tape starring my grandparents than sit through Zoolander again. People are going to watch this one time and move on and probably forget that the word "retard" was ever used. The only thing that protesting does is draw attention to the movie. People are going to want to see it now just to see what all the fuss is about. Jeez...don't retards think these things out?

I heard some protesters chanting "call me by my name, not my label," this morning on tv. This was quite the slobbery mouthful for most of them, but the chants quickly died down as half the crowd ran off after a butterfly and the other half began chanting for ice cream and a hug.

I hate people. Not just retarded people, but all people who get offended by stuff like this. It's a movie about fictional shit. It's all in fun. Hell, Robert Downey Jr. is in blackface. Seems like if you're going to protest something, there ya go. But again, it's a movie! A Ben Stiller movie. Is it really that big of a deal? I don't get offended when people throw around phrases like "unending love machine" and "sedan-sized dong." Lighten up...

So if you're going to boycott this movie, do it simply because it has Ben Stiller in it. It's probably 90 minutes of Stiller and Jack Black trying to out-dumbass each other. The best thing Ben Stiller ever did was to not be in movies that I like. (Mamma Mia)

EDIT: Sigh...I just noticed there was a post very much like this on WWTDD yesterday. Oh well, I guess it's no secret I lack originality.

Monday, August 11, 2008

It's that time of year again...

Much like geese fly south for the winter and salmon swim upstream, I too must my tv and 360 for the next few months.

I consider it officially football season starting tonight. It's Madden time!

Madden comes out tonight at midnight, and I have fantasy football drafts and upkeep, not to mention football on tv Saturday, Sunday and Monday night. I'm afraid this blog is going to take a hit and probably won't be updated very much in the next few months. I'm not going to have time for work, Madden and pointlessly keeping up with football stats (both pro and college.) I considered giving up work, but apparently I need money for things so that's out of the question.

If I had a girlfriend, this would be the time of year when she'd break up with me. But you've gotta admit, it's a pretty great time of year. Ah, I can almost smell the deep fried broccoli florets at Bullfrogs.

(I totally gayed up the tone of this post by writing "florets.")

Love you all. Go Steelers...

Here's a pic of me as a pirate from a few years ago to hold you over until my next post. Ladies, feel free to pleasure yourself to it.

Friday, August 8, 2008

I just don't want to be Smelly Alex

My freshman year in college, I became aware of possibly the creepiest person on the face of the Earth. I'd heard stories of him before actually meeting him. Most of these stories were from girls. They described their experiences as one might describe an extra terrestrial encounter. It was so disturbing that they weren't even sure it happened.

I first knew him as the "Where's Waldo Guy," either because of his striking resemblance to Waldo or the fact that he was probably creeping around somewhere. You just had to look close. I think there were also sweater-related nicknames. He had quite a bit of visible backhair poking up through the top of his shirt. (Settle down, Greg.)

Smelly Alex creeped like a champ. I'm pretty sure he was 26 or 27 and still living in the dorms, which was creepy in itself. I'm also pretty sure that he did it for the sole purpose of being close to incoming female freshmen. Living in the dorms makes no financial sense at all, so that had to be the reason. I can picture him sitting in a dark room watching the "that's the thing I love about these high school girls..." scene from Dazed and Confused on loop and smiling in agreeance.

Anyway, that became his thing. I didn't know the guy aside from politely saying hi a time or two as we passed in the hall, but I knew that was his thing. He hit on/asked out almost EVERY girl he came across.

I feel like I could turn into Smelly Dale in no time if I'm not careful.

It's just that I feel like I'm missing out on something great by being pathetically single. The six guys I work with are all in relationships and they talk about them all the time. Even the gay guy was talking about a house he and his partner just bought. I thought to myself, "man, that sounds really nice to be in a situation that stable and comfortable." Well, minus the balls and sodomy and stuff. Other than that, it sounded nice. I think a girlfriend is the missing piece of the Dale Awesomeness Puzzle.

Althought I've only technically asked out one girl at work (and almost another), I don't want that to be my "thing." I'm sure there will be at least one more. Maybe I'm making a huge deal out of this, but who knows. I tend to creep myself out more than I do others. I just figure that I need to keep the odds in my favor. If that means asking out like um...a thousand girls to find "the one," then so be it. I mean, people usually buy lottery tickets in bulk, right? Same principle.

It kinda makes me sad that I've thrown out most of my standards. Before, there was no way I would ever date a smoker. Now? Eh, I'll carry around her oxygen tank in our old age. Yep, I've lost most standards. I'm sure I've used this analogy before, but a woman could be sauteeing a baby in front of me and I'd think, "Oh shit...she likes to cook? Me too!"

Monday, August 4, 2008

I guess he got tired of getting busy living...

Morgan Freeman was involved in an accident Monday. The thoughts and prayers of themediumbus go out to him and his family. *giggle*

Hang in there, Morgan. March of the Penguins II isn't going to narrate itself.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Some random things

Tonight in the store, a guy in a wheelchair asked me to reach something for him. He didn't ask in a nice way, though. He was pretty pissed off. "You should have stuff on lower shelves so people like me can reach them!" Sigh...Wheelies. What are you gonna do? I wanted to say, "Sir, is it the wheelchair that makes you smell that way, or is that your own doing?" I didn't though. I smiled and nodded and got him his fucking whateverthehell it was. He's right, though. We really should have more stores with two-foot tall shelves. That'd probably go over great. I should have danced a jig around him and then said, "See that? I didn't even enjoy doing that. That was boring to me. Oh well..."

Also at work tonight, I found a woman's drivers license laying on the floor. I was kinda busy, so I put it in my pocket fully intending to give it to somebody important. Well, I remembered I had it about 20 minutes after I got home. So now I have this drivers license laying on my desk, which makes me look pretty creepy. Don't worry. She's old...and not an organ donor.

I sometimes pumice my feet. Does that make me less of a man? I can't remember if I've asked this before. I've been doing it for awhile. I mean, I'm on my feet walking around all day and it takes its toll. If I don't do it, my feet look pretty gross. Kenny, does your mom pumice her knees? You know, 'cause of all the blowjobs she gives on a daily basis? Speaking of which, tell her I'm going to have to cancel this week. I've gotta start saving my quarters for laundry. Also, I'm going to call you Sunday, so answer your phone. We have business to discuss. I've found the perfect blog enemy for you. Maybe this is the one for Michael, though. I'm not sure, but one of you definitely needs to pick this up.

I watched "Lars and the Real Girl" earlier. You should all watch this movie. I'm not really sure why, but it was pretty good despite the fact that Ryan Gosling was in it. Speaking of which, I think David Arquette would have been pretty badass in the same roll. He kinda looked like him and David Arquette could have probably used the work. Well, unless he's shooting for "Scream X." Jon thought the movie was dumb, but he also thought a movie with David Schwimmer would be good. What I'm trying to say is that he's not exactly a fucking film critic.

That's all for now. Enjoy your weekend, you fuckers. I have to work.

Almost forgot...
When I don't reply in the comments, does that make people not want to read anymore? Like I'm not paying attention? I'm just really lazy. It's nothing personal. Well, I don't like some of you. It's personal then. But the rest of you, totally not personal.