Aww, my fallback is gone (or is it?)

Picture it, a young me in my junior year in high school. I was with Josh and Greg at a church none of us went to after a football game one Friday night for some "don't drink and do bad stuff" churchy kinda thing. I'm not sure why we were there. I think maybe Greg was trying to bang some girl from that town. I can use that as the reason I was a lot of places in high school, and for the most part, it'd be accurate.

Anyway, I met this girl there. Kinda weird how we met. She initially wanted to date one of my friends and thought I'd be a good go-between. She realized he was a huge douche later on and we stayed friends. She was the first girl that I thought really "got" me. She didn't question the weird. It was great. Well, it was great until I realized it was a relationship without any of the fun stuff. She briefly dated (and slept with...ugh) my arch enemy and I think his brother. But, by God, when you're fat and desperate it takes a lot more than a black/hispanic dong to stand in the way of true love. She was a little off, too. I didn't mind, though. The only thing I didn't really care for was the fact that she'd occasionally drop the kids off at he pool while she was on the phone with me. Incase you don't catch my drift, I'm talking about pooping. It was a little weird, but who am I? The Pope? I also got the feeling that none of my friends really liked her. Most of my friends are assholes, so that wasn't much of an issue either.

We were all set to go to my senior prom, but then she said something really shitty about some friends of mine. I got pretty pissed and decided to "go a different direction" with my prom date. Turns out that sometimes beggars can be choosers. Who knew? She cried, I felt like shit. Not a great day. We had a really long talk, and during that talk she said probably the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me in the history of my life. That includes the time the guy at Burger King said, "Oh, I'm sorry sir. You only ordered one whopper? I put two in the bag and we can't take it back after we touch it. Just keep it." Ha...I'm sure you all know that last thing never happened 'cause when have I ever ordered just one Whopper? After she said the super nice thing to me, she said, "listen, three-hole punch version of db, if we're both still single at 30, we should get together. You know, just so we aren't lonely." Oh, maybe I forgot to mention she was pretty fucking crazy and possibly had some emotional issues and mental problems. Part of my attraction to her? Definitely. I likes 'em crazy and with little to no self-esteem. Mmm.

I went off to college and so did she. I almost forgot about her during that first semester, which mostly consisted Cory and I saying, "dude...we're in college," about once ever five minutes. It's a big accomplishment for two degenerate fucktards such as ourselves.

I ran into her at Best Buy once. We talked for awhile and exchanged email addresses and phone numbers. We seem to talk pretty solidly for about a week each year since then. I got a random text message from her about three years ago when I lived in that town where I went to college. It said, "I guess our deal is off. I'm engaged."

Three months later, the guy she was engaged to had an aneurysm (and not the Nirvana kind) burst in his head and he died in his sleep. She was pretty fucked up about it (obviously) and she called me. We kept in touch over the next few months, and after about seven months went by, she sent me another text that said, "We're still on for that 30 thing, right? I'm sending you a picture." I got it and holy shit she was hot. Ha. Sucker. She turned out to be super hot and I was a fat piece of shit. Joke's on her. That's when I made preparations for my time machine to take me to the future when I'm 30 (and hopefully not dead) so she could mouthify my wang (stole that from a movie, but I can't remember which.)

I can't really remember what happened after that. We lost touch until today. Today I was cleaning out a desk at work that I was thinking about moving into my office. I found an old paper and just glanced at the front page. She was on it from back in her high school days. It was probably about the time we met. I did that weird reminiscing thing where you kinda sit there with the retarded kid smirk on your face as you slowly shake your head back and forth while you look at the picture and read the caption. "I wonder what she's up to these days," I thought.

I got home tonight and there was a message on my computer. It was from her of all people. It said, "My mom said you were the new editor at the paper. Congratulations." Actually she spelled congratulations wrong, but why quote her as a dumbass? I messaged her back and asked her what she'd been up to and all that small talk bullshit. She then said, "Well, since you're there now, maybe you can tell me how much it costs to put a wedding announcement in the paper. I'm getting married in November!" "Oh wow. Congratulations," I replied.
"Thanks. I guess our 30 year thing is off again, huh?" "Yeah, I guess it is," I said as I flipped to the dog-eared page in the "A" section of my "Big Book O' Bad Shit to Wish Upon People."