Thursday, February 21, 2008


Last night, while curled up on my air mattress, I prayed. I said, "God, please end all wars. Please end the suffering of the world's hungry, and last but not least God, please help my grandma with her disease."

Well, instead of the resolution of any of those, I got this, courtesy of

Shhh...shhh. Don't talk. Just admire.

I think this is better than than any of my prayers being answered. I mean, c'mon dementia really that bad? Suck it up.

Christina Aguilera is my hero. She's saying, "Listen the boobs. What can it hurt?" That's why I love her. You all should too. And you should take her advice (Laurie...)

Oh, and I also prayed for a two-headed kitten. SCORE!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Some things

I'm completely misusing blogcatalog. I'm sure there are some guys out there with great blogs, but to be honest, I don't really look. I see a picture and the 14-year-old boy inside of my decides they woman in the picture is hot, so I add them to my "friends." (And by "14-year-old boy inside me," I meant figuratively.) Don't be alarmed, damonm55. I found yours in the Humor Blogs section. But yeah, does this make me a weirdo? I mean, more of a weirdo? Does anybody remember the original goal of my blog? Cory? Jimmy? I'm just trying to stay true to that.

Hey Damonm55, I saw that you signed your blog up to be reviewed by that one lady whose name escapes me at the moment. Let me know how that goes. I was going to do it too, but I noticed she was Hispanic and I figured with that last post, I might not get too good of a review.

Here's a challenge for all of you. Listen to this song and this song back to back. If haven't killed/cut yourself, let me know. Also, ignore both videos. They are kinda gay. Especially the overly emo first one.

Good news, Cubans! You can go home now.

Fidel Castro has officially resigned from the presidency after 28,000 years in power. So things are looking up, Cubans. Get those flotillas together. It's time to paddle your way to freedom. What's that smell coming from off the coast of Florida? Is it...democracy? Better go see.

Also, illegal Mexican immigrants in Texas, I hear Mexico is giving away free pies to the first 1 million who return. I mean, I'm not saying I want you guys to leave or anything, but it sounds like it's worth a look-see. I just don't want you to miss out on free pies. I'll help you pack.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Everything's bigger in Texas

I just saw a list of the fattest/fittest cities in the US. Texas, as always, is amazing. The list of fattest cities is:

1. Las Vegas
2. Arlington, Tx
3. San Antonio, Tx
4. Fort Worth, Tx
5. El Paso, Tx
(Dallas in at 6 and Houston rounding out the list at 10. Dale Bentley came in at a respectable 13.)

How awesome are we?

"Texas does have our share of overweight people," John Foreyt from the Baylor College of Medicine says. "Texas is a very diverse state, with strong cultural traditions. Food is very important to us. Texans eat out a lot." Word...

The top 5 fittest cities were Colorado Springs (apparently sodomy burns calories like none other), Minneapolis (#1 on my list of cities with the sexiest women. *wink* The article also says you people watch 49% less tv? What the fuck is that about?), Albuquerque, Denver and Portland.

Dammit, I'm going to get Nacogdoches on this list. People keep telling me I should set goals for myself.

On a related note, congratulations, Jared Fogle. Congrats on losing 240 lbs and keeping it off for 10 years. Also, congratulations go out to Carnie Wilson for losing 240 lbs and keeping it off for about 53 seconds.

Texas also ranks in the top 5 for naked fat guys sleeping on the sidewalk. I'm only kidding. That guy's dead.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Follow up (it's cute that I think people care, isn't it?)

Here's the Doritos seasoning clump I talked about in my last post. The pic is a little blurry. The shiny thing next to it is a dime for a size reference. It's about 3/4 of an inch thick too. Maybe a little more. It would have been a little bigger, but I was dared to take a bite. Not nearly as tasty as you'd think a giant clump of seasoning would be, but it's so beautiful. Looking at this clump of seasoning just brings out all kinds of emotions. If God can create something this beautiful, then maybe, just maybe, everything is ok in the world.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Something I thought was cool

I watched an episode of Rob and Big the other day where Rob was trying to get in the Guiness Book of World Records for skateboarding. It got me thinking. What could I get in the Guiness Book for? Fattest man? Nah. I'm still a little ways off from that. Then I remembered the giant chunk of Doritos seasoning that I somehow came to own.

I'm pretty sure Cory is the one who found it, but I ended up with it for some reason. Next time I'm home, I'll grab it and take a picture (unless my mom has thrown it away despite the fact it's in a container with "DON'T THROW AWAY" on the side.)

Anyway, as I was looking for large chip-type things, I ran across a name that sounded familiar. Bryce Wilson from Algona, IA. Then I remembered why I knew that name. He was one of my first blog readers/commenters back when my blog didn't blow ass. Back in the days of the "Useless, Pointless Stuff That Nobody Cares About" blog. He had a blog that was pretty damn funny and random. He's a radio DJ in Algona and apparently he spearheaded an effort to bring a giant cheeto to the town. Here's an article and also something on Dave Barry's blog.

Did reading my blog help him achieve fame? Probably.

I just thought that was kinda cool. I'm going to use my creepy e-stalking skills to find him again.

About my last post...only one comment? It was the dead baby with the arrow sticking out of its back, wasn't it?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Valentines Day

I really do hate Valentines Day. I've given up on it. There was a time when I was all about Valentines Day. I had an elaborate plan in the works until it was ruined by a cockbag who I thought was my friend. It made me drink enough everclear to possibly kill a smaller man and yell obscenities into the phone to whoever would listen.

Being a single guy on Valentines Day makes you feel like a loser. You can't help feeling a little embarrassed. Kinda like when I showered after gym in 5th grade for the first time. I looked around and wondered why my penis was bigger than all the other guys. I broke into tears. "I'm a freak!" I yelled as I ran home, occasionally crying out in pain as I stepped on it. Well, I've come to terms with my gigantic dong, but I just can't feel ok on Valentines Day.

And for all the women out there that say it's just another day, how does it feel to be a liar? We all know that to women, it's not just another day. It's a day where nothing's good enough, isn't it?

But hey, enough about me and the fact that I'm a single loser on the anti-single loser holiday. Here's an article for you all to read. This guy really dodged the Valentines Day gift bullet this year.

The most difficult thing about this picture was gluing the wings on the little kid after I shot him.

Monday, February 11, 2008

The depths of douchebaggery

I'm back from my blogcation! I drank a lot and did quite a bit of feeling sorry for myself. Had to get it out of my system.

The other day we heard, "stop stealing my shit!" and some other, similar sayings coming from the apartment next door. The apartment where the hot neighbors live. I'm not even sure what the other two look like, but one runs track and wears sports bras and really short shorts all the time, and friends, in my book that's A-OK. She came over here the other night to use our washing machine because hers was broken. This sounds like a great beginning to porn, but yeah...not so much. She came over wearing the aforementioned short shorts and sports bra. She just wanted to use our washing machine, but I would have probably given her a kidney if she wanted one.

Her ex-boyfriend was the target of her rant. He was kind of tall and your typical douchebag. I imagine he had played frisbee golf in the past two days and probably says "bro" way too many times a day (which is 1.) "Don't ever date her, fellas" he said as we opened the door to see what the hell is going on. "Guys don't hit girls," she fired back at him. He said something about how she had hit him first or some bullshit. Then he looked at us and pointed to the right side of his face as if the 90 lb, 5'3" girl had just broken his jaw or something. I didn't see any marks or anything. Maybe he was just trying to illustrate his cockish sideburns. Who's to say?

According to hot neighbor, this guy had broken in to her apartment and was smashing jewelry he gave her, to which he replied, "it's mine! I gave it to you!" Classy and makes sense. He also stole some pictures of them, which I completely misunderstood. When she said, "He took pictures of me while I was asleep," I thought he did what I'd been doing for the past few weeks. My roommates and I were sitting outside at this point waiting for him to leave and kind of "bodyguarding" the neighbor. This guy was pretty creepy. Believe me. I'd seen him at the meetings.

Jon tried to end the situation by telling hot neighbor to go back into her apartment and creepo to go home. We were getting pretty hungry. He pretended to leave, but came right back after we left. He spent awhile wandering around the parking lot pretending to call the cops for some unknown reason since it seemed like he was the wrong one. When we came back from eating, he was parked about 50 yards away and was leaning out of his truck staring in the general direction of her apartment.

All this happened on Friday. We thought it'd be a one day thing, but we were wrong. He was here every day of the weekend. Yesterday I heard, "Give it back to me," and as I looked out the window, I saw him running through the parking lot putting on one of her necklaces. Like I said, he's a classy fella.

So here's my question: What would make a guy go to such extreme douchebaggishness? Does her vagina dispense Little Debbie snack cakes? 'Cause that's pretty hot.

In an unrelated story...

Chase loves Clive Owen...and cock.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Happy Groundhog Day

Just got finished watching the movie. Bill Murray is a comedic genius. Andie McDowell makes my penis sad, though. I don't even know what that means, but she's ugly.

Another reason I like Groundhog Day is that you can say "gobbler" and "knob" in the same sentence and you aren't necessarily talking about Kenny's mom.

Friday, February 1, 2008

An underappreciated disaster...kinda like my birth

I just saw something about us on Yahoo news. Not that that makes it "news" since Yahoo runs shit about 5-legged cats and the top ten ways to flirt online, but still...kinda cool that it's on there.

I was asleep in the wee hours of the morning when I heard a really loud "boom." It rattled our window so much that I thought it was going to break. "Goddamn garbage truck," I yelled. A sentiment echoed by Cory, who was asleep in a tiny shoebox. The dumpster was about 15 yards away from our window and sometimes the garbage trucks would be loud enough to make the windows rattle. We woke up and started flipping through the channels a little while later. We came upon CNN where we found out that the Space Shuttle Columbia had just exploded over the Nacogodches area. Being the fucked up, morbid people that we are, we immediately got on the phone and called some friends to go "look for shit." The FBI issued a warning to not pick things up because of some crazy space contamination or some bullshit to keep kids from fucking with NASA debris. Did that stop our buddy Rambo? (Yes, it's his real name.) No, no it didn't. He stole a piece and was promptly turned in by his roommate (who later found his car covered in syrup and flour. Rambo was nothing if not a classy gentleman.) The FBI searched Rambo's room several times. Rambo thought it would be funny to leave them notes that said things like, "You push poop back in." Sure it was funny at the time, but he later got something like a year of community service.

The piece that fell behind Commercial Bank was the biggest we saw. It's impact put a pretty large dent in a dumpster. All the other pieces we saw could have easily came from a car or something. It was kind of a weird day. We practiced softball (go Woodpeckers!) while blackhawk helicopters hovered over and search parties combed the town. I'm pretty sure that's was affected our season. We only won two games. It wasn't because we sucked. No sir. It was that space shuttle.

The Yahoo article was good, but a bit on the dramatic side. Reading it reminds me of a joke I heard on that gloomy day in February. What's NASA stand for? (Need another seven astronauts. Ah, an oldie but definitely a goodie.)