Friday, September 26, 2008

If I'm ever famous...

And they ask me to be on "Dancing With the Stars," I'm going to have to choose a partner besides Julianne Hough. It would be fairly difficult for either of us to dance with my gigantic, perma-boner.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

...and this little piggy didn't say shit 'cause it was a warning sign of peripheral vascular disease

For a while now, both my big toes have felt kinda weird. They've been and felt like they were asleep most of the time. I didn't think much about it. I walk a lot at work and my feet usually hurt after I get home. Also, I sleep on a "bed" that some homeless people wouldn't even consider sleeping on (believe me. I've asked.) I usually wake up with a crick in something. I just figured my toe numbness was somehow related to one of those two factors.

On Sunday, I was admiring my stunning Wilford Brimley physique in the mirror after I got out of the shower. I somehow bumped my toe on the bottom of the cabinet, and it hurt way more than it should have for such a tiny bump. I thought back to when I first noticed that my big toes were numb and realized they'd been like that for about a week and a half.

I did a quick google search of "toe numbness" and it came back with peripheral vascular disease, diabetes and frostbite. I didn't know what the first one was, so I ruled that out. I live in Texas, so the last one was out, too.

So I texted Jimmy*. I figured with all that fancy nursing school he would see that it was nothing to worry about and tell me something to put my mind at ease.

"It might be diabetes," he replied.

Diabetes has always scared the shit out of me. Anything that could bring down Nell Carter is not something I want to tangle with. Being the fatass that I've always been, I always figured I'd eat myself into some diabetes one of these days. It always seemed like a disease I'd always get. Well, that and goat herpes.

I just did a quick wikipedia search of diabetes and it says the symptoms are: excessive urine production, resulting compensatory thirst and increased fluid intake, blurred vision, unexplained weight loss, lethargy, and changes in energy metabolism.

Well, I pee a lot, drink a ton of water and have lost over 40 lbs since May. I'm not so sure about the lethargy. Lethargy - Noun - the quality or state of being drowsy and dull, listless and unenergetic, or indifferent and lazy; apathetic or sluggish inactivity. Sigh...

I should probably go to the doctor and get this checked out. Being that I'm an uninsured dreg of society, I don't know when that's going to be, though. If it's still bad by this weekend, I guess I'll go see one because, all kidding aside, I'm actually starting to get a little worried.

On a lighter note, do you guys think I could pull off wearing this shirt? I really want to buy it.

*.gif courtesy of my roommate, Jon. A fatter version of me is waddling around in the background like a hungry tapir at the zoo.

Friday, September 19, 2008

My own worst enemy

I entered the wonderful world of again. Jeez...every time I acknowledge that, my stomach hurts a little.

I got an email from a girl who said I seem "genuine, real and there's nothing wrong with teddy bears." In my reply, I closed with, "It's good to know that there are people out there who are ok with teddy bears. Well, unless you have some sort of weird teddy bear fetish, I guess. ;-)"

Why do I do this? I basically take a gigantic dump on 95% of the first impressions I make. While funny to me and maybe a couple people like Jon and Chase, this probably isn't going to "win the heart" of any woman. Sigh...

My second interaction of the day involved
a cute girl who has a kid. She talks about being a mother in her profile and how it's a pretty important part of her life. I sent her an email and opened with, "Holy crap, I'm a mom, too! What a small world. But seriously..." See, that's not even all that funny to me. I don't know why I did it. It just seemed like the thing to do.

Also, I don't know about the whole kid thing. Not that she's even acknowledged me, let alone thought about dating me. I'm not a big fan of kids. I thin
k kids should be sent off to a camp somewhere until they aren't stupid and annoying anymore. On the first sims game before you could make kids grow up, I'd just send them to the pool. After awhile, they'd be like, "What the fuck? Where'd the ladder go? I'm sleepy." Problem solved. I know. I'm a nerd...and creepy. It's who I am.

Speaking of the sims, I've been playing the Sims 2: Apartment Life a lot lately. It's a pretty awesome game, but I feel that the simple act of playing it pretty much ensures that I'll never touch a female boob again. (The first time was a fluke. Freeze tag, third grade.)

Onto an unrelated topic. Do you ever think you're good at something only to find someone doing the exact same thing as you, only like a bajillion times better? That's how I felt when Laurie turned me on (!) to Bad News Hughes. This guy is like the Jesus of hilarious blogging. After I read about three of his entries, I didn't want to write anymore. He's disgusting and hilarious all at the same time. Basically my hero. Anyway, I bought his book and just got it in the mail today. I highly recommend you all buy this. I've only read one entry so far (I had some Madden to play.) It was about a buttplug. I lol'd the entire time.

Speaking of digusting and funny, I am the proud recipient of the Kick Ass Blogger award from my good friend "Amelia" at Writing Quiets the V
oices in my Head. It's the second one she's given me. I was too lazy to post about the last one. Not that it wasn't meaningful. I'm just really lazy. Apparently she thinks that, "DB over at The Medium Bus for being the only blogger that can make me laugh and puke at the same time.He's just talented like that." Aww...isn't she sweet? If she wasn't married, I would have so awkwardly hit on her by now.

Is it just me or does this award kinda look like a penis?

I made an award for her. (Click to enlarge, ldo.)

I know what you're all saying. "Dale, you should be some sort of graphic designer!" I know, I know.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Be careful what you pretend wish for

I received a comment notification via email earlier. It was from a comment on my old blog about a post which I had forgotten about. It was about a New Kids on the Block reunion. Turns out, I was on the right track. I should wish for more stupid things to happen. Here's the post.

I thought you had the right stuff, Donnie Wahlberg. I guess I was mistaken.

You sit and ask yourself, "what does American need?" Maybe a lower unemployment rate? To rid our great country of poverty? Lower gas prices? Sure, all of those are nice, but what does it really neeeeed? Six simple words, my friends: New Kids on the Block Reunion! And God bless VH1 for trying to make this happen. On their series, "Bands Reunited," Aamer Haleem tried his best to get the former pop MEGA stars back together.

First was Jordan Knight. That guy was excited. "No more dogfood for this guy," he must have thought. Not so fast, Jordan. There are still four other guys that have to agree.

Next was that guy that supposedly had stage fright. Jonathan, I think. (I say "I think" to try to make it seem like I don't have New Kids trading cards, lunch boxes, kleenexes, action figures, hats, autographs and tattoo.) He was asked if he missed the old days. He said he did, but he didn't miss all the girls surrounding his house whenever he'd mow the lawn. Yeah...that musta sucked, I guess, if you were gay or had a vagina. What a douche. Despite his douchebaggery, he was on board. (Side note: in his IMDB profile under "nicknames," it lists "Jizz" as one of his nicknames. I had the nickname "cheeseburger" 'cause I ate a lot of them. I wonder if he got his kinda the same way.)

Next, well, I missed the next guy because I was making guacamole, but what I gathered was that they went to Miami to meet him, but the security guard at his apartment complex wouldn't let them talk to him.

Next was Joey McIntyre. He said that he didn't mind getting together for one last show, but it "had to be on New Kids' terms." Ha...I bet he watched the tape afterwards and saw how gay he looked when he said that. He said he wants to focus on his acting career. That's cute. He was a no, but he had a look in his eye that said, "don't you give up on me, Aamerr." And Aamer didn't. He was determined to get the other members to sign on and convince Joey.

At this point, I looked at the clock and noticed that the show was only on for eight more minutes. "This is insane! You can't convince Donnie Wahlberg and that other guy in eight minutes," I said out loud 'cause I'm the only one home and I get lonely sometimes.

Back to Miami they go to stake out what's his name as he came home from dropping his kids off at school. Good job, VH1. Nothing persuades a person more than jumping them in their driveway in the morning. He said no and also wouldn't appear on camera.

There was one last shot. The star of "Dreamcatcher" himself, Mr. Donnie Wahlberg. Donnie declined to be on camera and said through his management (probably his mom) that he was also a no.

This brought an end to any hope I ever had of seeing them again. I felt empty. I hung my head as a single tear rolled down my cheek and came to rest on my New Kids on the Block footie pajamas. I can only hope that Color Me Bad isn't as stubborn.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Some bullshit? Yes.

I decided to check out to see where the ol' Medium Bus stood. I'm #669! 6fucking69! That's ridiculous. I know I'm not the funniest man alive (kidding. I totally am.) but 669? I'm that not funny? There are 668 people who joined this site who are funnier than me? So I'm putting this widget on my page. It's the humor blogs one. If you think I'm funny at all, click that thing. I'm kinda pissed about this. I mean 669 is an acceptable IQ for me, but not humor ranking. Shit, my banner alone has to be funnier than some blogs, right?

Edit: Chase's advice to get higher ratings: "Stop sucking so much." Good point.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

"Heaven must be missin' a fat ol' angel"

They say that when you're in love, you just know. It's something that nobody can explain. Well, I think I've found the one.

I'm sure a classy lady like this is already spoken for, but I'm holding out hope. I baited a trap with tuna and put it out back. Keep your fingers crossed!

Now if you'll excuse me, somebody has some masturbating to this video to do. (It's me!)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I guess I'm her Ben Stiller

There's a new girl at work who works with us for about two and a half hours a day before she leaves. She's cute and all, but I'm not particularly into her. That's why I don't understand why I'm bothered by this so much, but I fail to make her laugh...ever.

She's quick witted and kinda dirty, both fine qualities in a woman. She's funny. She says funny stuff, so I know she has a good sense of humor. Other people (far less funny than me) say some ridiculously stupid stuff and she laughs, but when I throw pure GOLD out there, I get no reaction.

Now I may not be the strongest, best looking, smartest, most attractive, cleanest, most caring, positive, happiest, in shape, articulate, well-groomed, thoughtful, most normal person out there, but I've never had a problem making people laugh. She won't crack. I've thrown most of my arsenal at her, too. I tried my bread and butter: self-deprecation. I got nothing. I threw some observational humor out there. Nothin'. I made fun of some people. I even went for a little slapstick (although not on purpose. I'm just clumsy.) Still nothing. I even made a damn good Michael J. Fox Parkinson's joke today and didn't even get a smile.

This hurts me.

She also said today that her favorite band was Tool. I was intrigued until she failed to name a single Tool song. Sigh. Maybe she's just here to taunt me. Whatever it is, I'm going to spend the first 2.5 hours of each work day being totally unproductive, but by God she's going to laugh at something eventually.

EDIT: She warmed up to me today when she realized we both spoke sarcasm. Now I all but own her soul. I don't even know what that means. It just popped into my head. I knew it couldn't be me. I mean fuck...I'm amazing. Also, I might be dead by the weekend because apparently there's a hurricane approaching. I'm pretty far north, so probably not. But hey, you never know. Hurricanes are crazy.

Hey, go here and just keep clicking random. Some funny shit in there.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

random stuff

Sorry I haven't posted much lately. I'm having focus issues. It's beginning to become a problem. I find myself wandering sometimes at work. Not really off task or anything, but when I stop and think about it, I have no idea what I'd been doing for the past five minutes. It's kinda scary. Probably nothing to worry about, though. Just a brain tumor or something.

The Steelers dominated this weekend. That pretty much makes my week for me. It was also pretty great watching it in a bar full of Texans fans. All that whining was amazing. My favorite quote was, "Nice play, Kubiak. Motherfuckin' piece of shit Aggie!" Texans fans are getting pretty sad these days. It's like they are watching the special olympics or something. They're just happy as long as everybody does their best.

Speaking of said bar, I think God got bored one day and decided to sculpt the greatest, most distracting ass known to man and give it to the waitress who was waiting on the table in front of us. She was pretty hot. Maybe I have a thing for waitresses. Who knows. I missed about 20% of the game, though, due to some totally respectful and not creepy at all staring.

Also at this place, I failed to finish my nachos for the first time in recorded history. It wasn't even like I ate most of them and decided I was full. I ate like 5 and was full. That makes me sad.

It could have something to do with the fact that I've lost over 40 lbs since May. That sounds great and all, but when you start out as a really fat fatass, 40 lbs is just a drop in the lard bucket. I'm working on it, though.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Dear Pink...

Annie Lennox called. She wants her cock back.