Saturday, March 29, 2008

I can't decide...

I can't decide whether or not to add Leona Lewis (British singer or something. Dunno...saw her on VH1 once or twice) to the pantheon of imaginary girlfriends. She looks really hot sometimes. Sometimes she looks borderline hot. And other times she looks like Shannon Sharpe. I mean, she's no Amy Lee, but still worthy of the IG title. Not just everybody gets those. (Patricia *wink*) Heh...creepy.


Kind of a pointless post, but it's the weekend and also 4:15 am. I'm less motivated than usual, which means, for all intents and purposes, I'm dead.

Here's a video. Come for Leona Lewis. Stay for hilarious footage of babies dangerously close to heavy traffic.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

In the immortal words of Puddle of Mudd...She fuckin' hates me

It was about 2 a.m. here and I was checking my email/ before I went to bed. I had the window still open while I checked on my WIS team. Suddenly I got an IM from a girl via's instant messaging thingy. It said, "Are you painting your eggs?" What the hell? "Is that a masturbation euphemism? Shit! Can she see me," I wondered (and panicked.) "Um, I did earlier. How about you?" I replied, still unsure what was going on and also unaware had instant messaging. I checked her profile. It was well written aside from a stray apostrophe, but I'm totally willing to overlook that. She was from somewhere in NY that had the word "ball" in the name. I giggled.

Some stupid banter followed for a little while until I said, "So what made you IM me randomly? It was my boyish charm, wasn't it? Oh God it was. I swear being so charming is a curse sometimes." I understand that if you don't know someone that could sound a bit conceited, but I figure you'd only think that if you were, oh idiot. "How are you charming? Give me an example." Obviously I wasn't ready to follow up with examples 'cause, you know, I don't really have any. I made up some crap about how there were too many to pick from.

Then the conversation turned back to her talking about Easter and how she painted "funny" things on the eggs like "eat eggs." Fucking HILARIOUS! At this point I pretty much decided that she wasn't really my kind of person. I asked her what kind of music she liked to listen to. She rattled off some music snob bands, and her list started with Death Cab for Cutie. Bluh. She also thought it would be nice to send me an Ingrid Michaelson song. Awesome. I'll file that under "S" for shit I'm never going to listen to ever. She then asked me if I wanted to "see something cute." I passed up obvious mirror jokes and said yes. She sent me a .wmv file. I had to ask Jon what that was. He called me a "n00b." It was a video of her sitting in front of her computer. I got kind of excited, but four boobless seconds later the video was over.

She was really cute. Like waaay too cute to randomly IM a hairless yeti such as myself. My first thought was that she was attempting to steal my identity. Then I laughed as I pictured her face when she hacked into whatever hackers hack into to see my credit. I imagine her face was something like mine when I thought, "Hey, meatspin? That sounds neat. Let's give that a click."

"Wow, you're a lot prettier than me," I said. Then I immediately slapped myself when I realized that was very close to a line from Knocked Up. Fuck, I've turned into Jimmy. "Is that supposed to be a compliment? You're a guy. I'm supposed to be prettier than you." Then she got what I thought was faux-offended, but it turned out to be real offended. I tried to say funny stuff to make it better. "Do you like digging a deeper hole and offending women?" she asked.

Then she said, "Redeem yourself and send me something cute." My first thought was of my penis with a tiny top hat and monocle, but I learned my lesson about sending pictures of my penis over the internet. (Fuckin' Chris Hanson.) Sensing that this was already not working and that she was kind of a bitch, I decided to browse my extensive library of stupid shit I've photoshopped. This little gem seemed to stand out above all the others. "This is what it would look like if I had a toothbrush as a best a perfect world." "Wow, boys are weird," she said. "Yep. Well, I should probably go to bed now. You have a hoppy Easter. See what I did there? Hoppy? Like a bunny? Yeah. Night!"

No reply. Eh, we had a good run.

That's pretty much how my weekend went. My mom threw out my bed, I was bitten by a dog and my 3-year-old niece made up a song about how "Dale Binty" smells like poop and garbage. It's actually pretty catchy. I can maybe see the garbage, but the poop is a bit of a stretch.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Contemplating fitness

With my never ending search for the future Mrs. DB in full swing at the moment and with Jimmy's wedding quickly approaching, I thought that maybe I should get in shape. Well, be less fat.

I'm not really going about the girlfriend thing the right way. I should be presenting the best possible DB, not the guy who literally did a celebration dance the other day when McDonalds accidentally gave him two extra hamburgers. I mean, if you're trying to sell a house you don't shit in the hallway on the day you're showing it, right? So why am I playing "how many Dr. Peppers can I drink in an hour?" It's not a smart move. But then again, I'm not a very smart man. (Kidding. I'm a less motorized/Lou Gehrigy Stephen Hawking.)

I should probably be a little thinner for Jim's wedding too. Most people will be watching me the entire time. I'm basically the most important person at the wedding, bride and groom included. I need to slim down a bit too so I can easily escape after I give my best man speech. And by escape, I mean with some of Jimmy's hot girl cousins to my room after I wow their clothes off with my awesome oratory skills. I assume I'll have a room, Jimmy? I also assume that somewhere in the depths of Wisconsin you have a hot girl cousin?

So back to my girlfriend search. I finally finished my profile with the help of my lovely and talented friend Laurie. I needed a smart, attractive woman's feedback since that's what I'm shooting for. A side note: I'm pretty sure she wants to date me now. Can't say that I blame her.

So anyway, here it is. Tell me what you think. Guys, don't you go turning gay on me. It's probably that powerful. Give me feedback. And yes, I stole my tagline from that story you told me, Jess. Well, I paraphrased it. I think.

We can pretend we met somewhere else

I can crack an egg into a bowl with one hand without getting any shells. I know, I know...pretty amazing. I should stop there because I'm sure your expectations have been exceeded, but I'll keep going.

I'm a pretty laid back guy whose ideal night involves kicking back on the couch and watching a movie with some friends, but if the Steelers happen to be playing, I won't lie: I'll be watching them.

I enjoy cooking, especially the challenge of cooking new things that I'm unfamiliar with. I like most things associated with food (see picture. I had to check "a few extra pounds" because they didn't have the "like a big teddy bear" option.) And I like a woman who never says, "I'll just have a salad."

I was the managing editor of a small town newspaper, but I decided there was more money to be made being a college student, so I just moved back to the area to finish my journalism degree.

I'm looking for a woman who enjoys laughing, whether it's with me or at me, both are fine. A woman who enjoys sports, or at least doesn't mind watching them from time to time. Someone who sees the humor in things and doesn't take life too seriously. Most importantly, a woman who is comfortable with who she is.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

(UPDATE) Women of, it's time to lower your standards

As I was drunkenly and creepily perusing the pages of last night, I started to notice a trend. Women on there are being a bit unrealistic with things like level of education and salaries for their ideal match. C'mon, ladies. You're searching for the Mona Lisa in the bargain bin at a flea market. It's not going to be there. Maybe you should check out Maybe that's more your style.

And another thing...why put pictures of your dog on there? I don't want to have sex with your dog., no I don't. What's the point? I can see maybe guys having dogs on their profiles to get girls. Girls are suckers for puppies. I personally tested this theory once with Ermel's puppy at a football game. It was amazing. It was like free helmet day at the retard store. I think I'm going to make a profile and include a puppy. Maybe give him a back story. Something about how I saved him from a fire or something. Dishonesty is sexy, right?

I did find one diamond in the rough, or diamante en el áspero (that could be wrong), if you will. Her English isn't so great, but I'm willing to overlook that. She said, and I quote, "I need a man who is good eater because I love to cook." I am good eater! I am great eater, actually. She also said, "I need a man who listens to 'Turn me on Mr. Deadman' while playing Halo 3 and sitting in a broken V-rocker." Ok, I made that last part up, but how fucking awesome would that have been? Pretty awesome...pretty awesome.

I've already come up with my profile name: BlackVanilla.

Edit: So yeah, I think I'm going to make a profile. What do I have to lose? Dignity? Self-esteem? Ha. That's cute. I don't know how I should do it, though. Should I be the dumbass that is me and add some "humor?" Do I try to be sincere? I haven't been sincerely sincere in like 6 years. I was also thinking of using the same picture I have as my profile pic on here. Bad idea probably, but that's me in a very gigantic nutshell. So, help. Give me some ideas. I'm sinking here. Trying to make myself sound interesting is a pretty daunting task.

Monday, March 10, 2008


"Jesus Christ, son," he said while laying on the cold, metal table in the back room of the hospital. Everything was just like I remembered it. His eyes opened. "What the hell have you been doing all this time? Are you planning on ever doing anything with yourself. You should have been something by now. I have to say I'm a little disappointed." Then he closed his eyes again.

Then I woke up. I've tried to steer clear of the emo bullshit on this blog for the most part, but this was just so vivid and disturbing that I had to at least write about it. I woke up about four hours ago, but I still can't shake it. It prompted me to finish and turn in some job applications I had sitting in my desk drawer and to go get some new ones. I guess that's some good that came out of it. It also prompted me to swing by the liquor store. I really don't want to feel like this all day.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

All byyyyyy myself

Let me start out by saying that I really like my roommates. They are both cool guys and I've almost learned to deal with all their shit (or pee in some cases...) That being said, I really enjoy being alone, which is probably good considering the way my life is going. Jon is camping and Chase is at home. I like it when they're here, but I also like it when they're not. Pants? Who fuckin' needs 'em? Not this guy. I sleep when I want and, much more importantly, wake up when I want. If that happens to be 6:45 p.m. like it was yesterday, then so be it. It's pretty nice. P.S. Chase, your pillow really makes my balls itch. Not as much as your toothbrush, though...or your goatee.

Ladies, said roommates are going to be gone for about a week. Yep. Just me here by myself for a week. Just throwing it out there.

Friday, March 7, 2008

What would you like to talk about?

I've always wanted one of those blogs where people you know...comment and stuff. Reader interaction is pretty cool. That's pretty hard with only about 1 reader, though. I was going to write something profound here today, but I'm saving it for later next week. It involves the epiphany I had the other day about how I'm kind of a dick sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean a lot. More on that next week, though.

So, blog readers, what would you like to talk about? Fucking anything. I don't care. I usually have ideas about blogs when I'm taking a dump, but due to the fact that I ate a whole cow's worth of cheese this week, the ideas (among other things) weren't exactly flowing. Poop joke.

So yeah, go for it.

This has been another lazy post brought to you by DB.

Edit: It snowed here today for about an hour. I was filled with childlike wonder the entire time. I was probably pretty adorable.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Nobody puts baby in a coffin...

A few places are reporting that Patrick Swayze only has a few weeks left to live due to pancreatic cancer.

I smell a Ghost sequel...

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Now I'm not saying you should kill your family, but...

...if you plan for a month, you should probably have a 100% success rate. Or at least a plan that isn't retarded. I saw this a few days ago on CNN while I was watching super hot Robin Meade's show. She mentioned that some Texas teens killed a girl's family because of "forbidden love." What are people thinking about when they do stuff? I don't think too many people get away with crimes anymore. Even the incompetent law enforcement folks in the town where I used to live would catch people most of the time. And they suck. Badly.

Didn't these kids watch Bully? Plans like they made don't usually end well. Especially when you use a fucking sword. Jeez. I wonder if they're going to make a movie out of this. Maybe Brad Renfro can be in this one too.

Wilkinson and Waid broke into the house around 4 a.m. Saturday and fired on the parents while they slept, according to the affidavit. The two then went upstairs and fatally shot Mathew Caffey, 13, and stabbed Tyler Caffey, 8, with a sword, it says.

A sword? Really? No throwing stars or magic wands available? Sigh...Texans. That's one murder that they can probably blame on video games and few people would have a problem with it.

The father, Terry Caffey, was shot five times but was able to drag himself 300 yards to a neighbor's home.

That's pretty impressive. The guy was shot 5 times. I can't walk 300 yards regularly without having to stop four or five times. Usually one of those is a poop stop.

So what have we learned from this? We've learned that that old saying is true. "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry...when you're a fucking retard and kill people with swords."

Monday, March 3, 2008

Am I this inappropriate and weird?

I was in Gamestop earlier buying the newest Sims expansion (don't you fuckin' judge me...) I went with Chase, my roommate, who works there to get some phantom discount that never happened 'cause he's a douche. Anyway, the Gamestop here is apparently the Mecca of douchebags and retards.

So I'm standing there waiting on Chase so we can go eat when all of a sudden a more haggard, less toothed version of this guy comes out of nowhere. He decided to go ahead and invite himself on into my personal space for a little chat. Keep in mind that I've been nowhere near this guy the entire time we were in the store. I hadn't even made eye contact with him, I don't think. He gets really close and says, "You know what's funny about this dadgum country? We can go anywhere we want and nobody asks any questions about it. What if we were in Europe? You can't go where you want in Europe. People always want to know where you're going and why. But here, well, me and you could hop in a van and drive to Montana as long as we had money. Nobody cares what we do."

What the fuck? Did this guy just ask me out? How do you even respond to that? I learned my lesson about cross-country road trips with strangers. I didn't even really know what to say. I just said, "um, yeah...freedom. Pretty crazy." Chase walked up at this point and the guy turned to him and playfully poked him in the ribs. I think they may have a history. I didn't really want to ask too many questions about it. People makes mistakes...

So I've been thinking about the randomness and borderline inappropriateness of this guy all day. I'm sure he thinks it's ok to ambush strangers with pointless banter about how quirky America is. Then I started thinking about what I do. I bet I do a lot of things that seem ok and funny to me, but probably annoy the shit out of people. I can actually think of two cases tonight. One involved pointless Rock of Love shit and the other was leaving a voicemail for Cory asking if Jesus was a Warcraft character, what would he be? Please tell me I'm not an extremely more attractive version of this guy.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

A swing and a miss...

Yeah, those last two posts sucked pretty bad. I had to go to the land that technology/God forgot for a week, but I'm back now. Does that mean good posts are on their way? Yeah, probably not. But you never know.