Thank God for American Gladiators. I was getting pretty tired of masturbating to Little People, Big World

Dear Venom,

I'm pretty sure I love you. I don't know what it is. Maybe it was the way you manhandled that little Filipino woman. Maybe it was that no-handed cartwheel thingy you did right before you smashed that lady in the face. I'm not sure what it was, but I felt something, Venom. I had a funny feeling inside (and also in my pants.) Was it love? Who's to say? I'm pretty sure you felt it too, despite the fact the show was probably taped a long time ago.

I bet some guys are intimidated by you. I'm not, though, my little cupcake. If I discriminated against every woman that could kick my ass, well, I would be dating even less than I am right now, so I would be dating in the negatives. No, I'm not intimidated at all. I can see us walking hand in hand through the mall on our way to watch a movie. I bet a romantic comedy. Something tells me you like those. We'd stop by GNC so you could pick up your supplements. If some jackass was talking during the movie, you could kick his ass for me. It'd be a perfect relationship.

I'm even willing to overlook your flaws. Say we're having sex and your roid rage kicks in and maybe you bloody my nose. That's fine. I'm sure I'll cry and cower in the corner for awhile until your anger subsides, but you know what, Venom? Tears and blood, well...they dry. You know what would ever go dry? Our love, Venom. Our love. Plus, I'd be pretty pumped to finally get non-bribed consent.

So let's make some half-fat, half-super strong babies, Venom. Whattya say? Take a chance. You don't need that American Gladiators show. Our love will see us through. You can move to Texas and we can start a happy home here. And sometimes, when you're in the mood, maybe we can joust a little, if you know what I mean. Just me, though. If you have a jousting stick, well...well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there, I guess.

I think this is a solid move for us, Venom. Just give it some though. If you really aren't interested, though, um...could I get Hellga's number?