Why am I so bad at this?

Fresh off of the viewing of that guy getting rejected, I realized that it had been awhile since I got brutally shot down. Well, no reason to keep that streak up.

So there's this girl I work with. We'd exchanged pleasantries a time or two and she seemed really nice and my type. And by "my type," I mean any girl who isn't immediately repulsed by me has potential to be "my type." So about a week ago, I decided that I would brighten her day and make all her dreams come true by asking her out.

For some reason, I'm unable to ever ask a girl out like a normal person. I have to plan things out. Things always look good on paper, but never work in reality. I guess I'm kinda like a romantic Wyle E. Coyote if Wyle E. Coyote does that whole crying/masturbating thing that I do whenever he misses the roadrunner. I exaggerate a little. Sometimes I don't cry. (Be honest. You cringed a little when you pictured me masturbating just now, huh? Good...good.)

My buddy Josh has been witness to these awesomely horrible plans ever since we were kids and he's always told me that they're not going to work. This one felt right, though. Step one was just casual conversation. A joke ice breaker, perhaps.

She came back to the back one night to throw some stuff away while I was back there. We talked for a couple minutes and, once again, my "don't say stupid shit" filter failed to work as I made some ridiculous joke about crushing a small child with a pallet jack. Sometimes I wonder why God made me so smooth. She seemed to legitimately laugh and not one of those "I should humor this creepy guy" laughs. Not that I know what those are like. Step one went well.

Step two involved her job at the jewelry counter. Before work the next day, I was going to feign interest in my mom's upcoming birthday (kidding, Mom) and pretend to shop for a nice necklace for her, asking jewelry counter girl's advice...and also learning her name so I didn't have to refer to her as jewelry counter girl.

I went a few minutes before I had to clock in just in case things went badly or I was getting a bad vibe. Things went ok, though. She showed me some nice necklaces that actually had the word "mom" on them. The day I buy my mom something like that is the day she probably disowns me...more. I introduced myself, she introduced herself. Everything was going according to plan. It was kinda scary. "Eat that shit, Josh," I thought to myself. It was almost time to clock in so I told her I'd think about what I wanted to buy and I'd come back on my last break. She said she'd be there until 11.

Time for my last break rolled around, but we still had a shitload of stuff to do, so the guy were like, "eh, let's just go later. Like 11:15 or so." I snuck out around 10:45 to finish my master plan. I wasn't real sure exactly what I was going to say, but sadly, it involved going to the zoo. I realize how lame that sounds, but it was kind of a two birds with one stone thing. I really wanted to ask her out, but I also really wanted to go to the zoo. (They have some kickass white rhinos there.) So I approach the counter and she's just hanging out getting ready to go home. Nobody else is around so I don't have to worry about witnesses to this potential disaster. So I gathered up the residual confidence I had from Jimmy's wedding and headed on over to pretend to buy stuff again.

"You know, I think the stuff that says 'mom' on it is kinda cheesy," I said. She agreed and said that she would never buy her mom anything like that. Then she asked if my mom wore a watch and directed me to the watch display. Never intending to actually purchase anything for my mom, I was kind of caught off guard at this question and I really couldn't remember whether or not she did wear a watch. "Hmm...I don't really know. Is that bad?" I asked. "No. You're a guy. Guys don't notice things like jewelry. It's just something in your makeup." Eerie foreshadowing. "Yeah. I guess you're right." Then just as my mouth opened to probably say something stupid about rhinos, she said, "My husband doesn't pick up on little details sometimes. It's ok."

So that's where my plan ended. I mean, I could have totally stolen her from her husband and all, but I didn't want to be a dick. He's probably a nice guy.

I honestly don't know how I didn't see the wedding ring. Those things should glow or beep or something so I don't look like an idiot. I told her I changed my mind and I'd probably just get my mom a gift card or something 'cause nothing says thanks for all those hours of labor like a gift card. She laughed. We said our goodbyes and I slunk (?) back to the back room.

The universe pooped on me once again. Probably not the universe's fault, though. I was kind of a dumbass on this one. I realized two things, though. One, I'm pretty horrible at this kind of thing and two, hot girls are usually only nice to me when they are married, in a committed relationship, live several states away or mistake me for Drew Carey.