About a week ago I heard I was a "really sweet guy." Tonight, I was told that I was safe and "like a brother." Sigh. Ladies, these are not things a guy wants to hear from people not related to him. I'm like the mayor of the friend zone. Not that I was looking for any romantic anything with either situation (sure...I'll go with that,) but c'mon! I didn't even ask for either of these things to be said. I mean, I guess it's cool that people think I'm nice and sweet and stuff, but those are words used to describe the temperament of a puppy. I'm not a puppy. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm spontaneous. Maybe I'm some kind of crazy, spontaneous badass...but I'm not.
What am I? I'm not real sure. One thing I do know is that I'm a man of limited game. Even on those rare occasions when I show flashes of romantic suavery, it's more sad than it is awesome. I'm kinda like that time the basketball coach in New York put the autistic kid in the game and he proceeded to hit six threes in four minutes. After the game, I'm sure he strapped his helmet back on and went back to being normal. That's me. A romantic novelty. The blind squirrel theory of romance.
So as my good pal Andrea and I watched The Bridge tonight, she explained to me that I'm safe and I don't take any risks. That I'm a nice guy and maybe that's why things aren't happening for me in the lady department. Bluh. I guess I am nice, though. I don't really know how to fix that or if it's even something that need fixing. If I've learned anything from my years of perusing internet porn, it's that all kinds of people like all kinds of things (no matter how disgusting or girls to cup ratio'd.) So there's gotta be a woman out there that thinks it's pretty cool that I played the old NES version of super dodgeball on my computer for about two hours today. I don't mean to brag or anything, but I won the championship...a couple a times. If you aren't impressed by that, well, you just aren't impressible. Maybe there's a woman out there who doesn't mind being awake at 5 a.m. to watch Robin Meade's Morning Express with me, and who won't get pissed when I give a detailed list of reasons why Robin Meade is maybe the most perfect woman. She'll also hold me when I get pissed when Robin is on vacation and that way less hot lady is filling in. There's gotta be somebody out there like that, right? If not, that's cool too. At least I've got my health. Aww...where'd my health go?
And finally, I just want to say that George Carlin will truely be missed. George Carlin taught me how to properly use the word "cunt," and for that I will be forever grateful. Rest in peace, George.
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5 comments:
I'm a great guy fwiw
Take a page of out of the autistic kid's book and just start telling women you're autistic. That could be your game right there. Then you might at least get a pity hook up. Just make sure you bring a "helmet" for your first date. And by "'helmet'", I mean an actual helmet...with a piece of masking tape across the front that says "Kenny".
I mean, even Dustin Hoffman got laid in "Rainman" (I think). And Johnny Knoxville got Katherine Heigl in "The Ringer", right? Sure, you're no Johnny Knoxville, but I'm sure you'd settle for a lot less than Katherine Heigl.
: D
OK please DO NOT WEAR A HELMET!!! Under no circumstances even consider it! Here's what you need to do..... Have more trust in yourself and confidence. If you don't, women can see right through the games and who really wants someone who doesn't see themselves as worthy? I believe that once you start really seeing yourself as deserving of women, they will pour in. Start thinking ....why NOT you? and really believe it!!
Michael, glad to see you're back. Also glad to hear you're moving back to the east coast. Ever since you've been at that particular school, they've sucked ass and that's kinda hurt me. Not saying you were bad luck, but you probably didn't help anything either. You still using the same email address?
Thinkinfyou, I don't know that I lack confidence. I think maybe people see the self-deprecation as a lack of confidence. Also, I'm a pretty weird guy. I'm starting to see that as not such a bad thing. Maybe I do lack confidence a little. I'm not sure. The fact that I'm not sure whether or not I lack confidence means I probably do lack confidence.
Hey, don't blame me for the team sucking. I hear they're starting to make the players actually attend classes. So now they have to split their time between practice and "Advanced Connect-the-Dots".
And, yeah, I think I still have the same email. The punkbohemian one, right?
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