Maybe some things are worse off than I am.

Last night I was laying in bed watching tv and doing one of my favorite things to do while laying in bed watching tv. No, not masturbating (much). I was playing a game I like to call "find somebody worse off than me so I can feel better about myself." When you have non-existent self-esteem, it helps to find people that have shittier things happening to them than you do.
Candidate #1 was a couple who had a baby two years ago. The baby was born with a rare genetic degenerative condition. It was basically in its best condition the moment it was born and had been going gradually downhill since. The parents talked about the impending death of their baby with the same tone as somebody would talk about closing on a new house. I really sat and thought about it. These people had their first and only child and there was something wrong with it from the beginning. From the moment this baby was born, they knew it would die in a couple of years. I really sat and thought about these parents and what they must be going through. I waited for it. I waaaaaited. Nothing. I don't know what it's like to have a kid. Sure, I felt bad for them, but I wasn't feeling bad enough to make me feel better.

Candidate #2 was that guy who died while running that race. I changed the channel pretty quick. I've ran like three times in my life, and all three times something was chasing me. Be it dog or bee or my drunken, slightly aroused uncle that was babysitting me, at least something was chasing me. This guy was running for FUN. Who does that? People who die. That's who.

Then I found it. Candidate #3 was the winner. It was on the discovery channel. It was a cape buffalo or whatever those things are called that remind me of Whoopi Goldberg. This cape buffalo was the dominate bull in a small herd. For some reason, a pride of lions singled out this particular buffalo as their evening meal. The bull was scrappy, though, and wasn't going down without a fight. The lions attacked again and again, but their teeth and claws couldn't get through it's thick, leathery hide (just like Whoopi Goldberg.) The only thing the lions could bite/claw was the buffalo's butthole. After about 10 minutes of strategic ass attacks by the lions, the buffalo had enough. He spun around to face the three or four lions that were attacking him and prepared to make one last stand. Then, out of fucking nowhere, this huge bull comes over and mounts the wounded bull and sodomizes him right in his lion-ravaged pooper. The narrator comes in and says something like, "sensing weakness, the rival male mounts the dominate male to solidify his new place in the herd." Ouch. He manages to eventually fight off the homo usurper and turns his attention back to the lions. They gnaw his butthole a few more times, but he stays on his feet. Then the fucking other bull comes back and rams him from the side, knocking him down. The lions pounce on him and bite his throat. The camera zooms out. His leg kicks a couple of times and then it's all over.

That's when I realized that while I may have my problems, they are nowhere near this buffalo's. Sure I have my ups and downs, but I've never had the inner part of my ass batted around by gigantic cats. I can also say that I've never had a huge buffalo dong in me. Knock on wood.