Look who's not dead. It's me!

Work has been rough lately. My inexperience isn't really helping things out. My boss has been on my ass about all kinds of things. I'm in a bit over my head, I think. I can't remember if I've written about this before, but she told me that I'm too laid back and not very aggressive. She told me that I need to be mean. I need to be "in your face" to ever be successful at this job. That's not me, though. I'm not a mean guy. I'm a super laid back kind of guy. Apparently that's not a good thing in this job. I don't know that I want to become aggressive. Sure, being a passive douche has its downside, but it's who I am. Every time she comes in my office, I get the feeling like I'm about to be fired.

Not to make excuses, but my schooling didn't exactly prepare me to be thrown in as a managing editor of a newspaper. I never learned if there was a "style" to interview people. I ask softball questions when I probably should be digging for more, but truth be told, I don't really care about digging for more. There are a lot of things about journalism I don't agree with. Wrecks are one. The sensationalism of wreck pictures has always pissed me off. People see one and for ten or fifteen seconds, they are entertained/enthralled/whatever, but for the families and friends of people who were in those vehicles, that's an image they didn't need to see. Everybody knows what a fucking wrecked car looks like. I don't agree with showing pictures.

Anyway, (I'm stealing this phrase from a guy I work with) I said all that to say this: I'm re-enrolling in good ol' SFA. Think of it as me staying a step ahead of what feels like my eventual firing. It's not that I'm doing a bad job or anything, but I just don't think I'm what they're looking for. I don't really care about small town politics either. I wanna write about fart jokes and how much I hate things. I want to make fun of things. I don't want to report on some county election. I thought I did until I actually got the chance to do it. So going back to school will allow me to get my degree so maybe I can choose a job instead of hoping somebody will hire me. Plus, I'd learn a little more about journalism (if that's what I really want to do.) I'm also close to a degree in English. Don't know what the fuck I'd do with that, but it's something, right? My family doesn't really think this is a good idea, but they usually don't think things I do are a good idea. Like being born. They weren't so big on that. I tried to have a serious conversation with my mom earlier about my life and how I've been feeling lately and the possibility that I could leave one day and not come back. She clearly rolled her eyes, although she said she didn't, so I just walked out. It blows having a family that doesn't listen to shit ever.

Another thing about me is that I don't take critcism very well. I don't get pissed or anything, but I get discouraged. If I think I'm doing a bad job, things tend to snowball and it just gets to the point where I don't want to do it anymore. That hasn't happened so much in this case, but my boss keeps trying this whole "tough love," "showing me the ropes" kinda thing and I hate it. I don't respond well to tough love. Also, I'm a follower. I have no desire to be "the guy," the leader. So maybe the editor job wasn't such a great idea. I liked it at first because I got the chance to write. I love to write, but the other things that go along with it, I don't like so much. The pre-meeting bullshitting with people I don't know just to be seen. Small talk about some ordinance passed in a town I don't even live in. Just things like that.

Back to me not being aggressive. Apparently people notice. We had a Thanksgiving kinda thing at work where we all sat around the break room table and ate together. It's the first time we've ever done that. They asked me something about my family. How big, stuff like that. I told them that my dad worked a lot and passed away when I was 17, so it was mostly my mom, my three sisters and me. Somebody said, "So, you were mostly raised by women?" I said yeah and the look on their faces when I said that was like they'd all just simultaneously just solved a riddle or something. It kinda pissed me off. I'm fuckin' manly, goddammit! Right?