Letters that need to be written

Letter 1

Dear Animal Planet,
Steve Irwin is dead. He's not coming back. Are you to blame for his death since he probably died while filming something for you? Probably. That's ok, though. People die. What people don't do is watch the new version of his show with his wife. The only reason people watched him in the first place was because he was a crazy foreigner that chased animals around and (almost) always avoided injury. His wife? Well, she's an American lady from like New York or some shit. If I wanted to watch a woman mess around with animals, I'd watch Jeff Corwin (or Kenny's mom's "show.") And don't even get me started on his daughter. What an annoying piece of shit she is. And you gave her her own show? What the fuck? My dad died. I didn't get shit. Given, he wasn't mauled by some underwater sea creature, but still. I should get something. So, Animal Planet, unless you can invent a time machine and tell Steve he might want to pack his stingray retardant wet suit before he heads out, I don't want to watch the show anymore. It is a nice touch that you have his wife write in a diary about how much she misses her husband, though. Maybe you can reel in a few viewers with sympathy. That should work for a couple more episodes.


Letter 2

Dear Yahoo!,
Why do you keep hiring dumbasses to write "relationship and dating" columns? Fuck! I need advice here. I'm at the end of my rope. The last one titled "When women date men who are less attractive" got me a little interested. Then I read it. Awesome. You give examples and then explain that for this to work, the poor ugly bastard probably needs to make a lot of money. I knew that. That doesn't help me. I'm too lazy to get a good job that pays me a lot of money. I need a scheme. I'm looking for a column that teaches me how to mix some sort of potion or a more effective way to apply chloroform. I don't need to know that I need to make more money. That helps me none. Who do you think your audience is for those columns? Attractive guys who are "just wonderin'" Fuck no. I'm your audience. The guy who lives with is mom still and flips a coin when he wakes up to help him decide whether or not he's going to drink the stuff under the sink. The guy who gets excited when a new flavor of doritos comes out. The guy who recently mourned the loss of his little furry masked bandit of the forest. I'm your fucking audience. Doesn't it sound like I need a little more than "you need to make a lot of money?" I need something along the lines of "here's a magic spell." You've disappointed your audience, yahoo. I could poop on my keyboard and the pressure on the keys from said shit could craft a better column than what I just read. That lady seems to be as much of an expert on dating as I am on diet and exercise. I know of it, but I'm not too familiar. Sigh.