Who would play you?

Who would play you in a movie? Just curious. This is my monthly "who the fuck is reading this" post. Also, I didn't have anything creative to write. Not that I ever do, but this time was especially non-creative.

For me, I'd say Drew Carey, Andy Richter or maybe Jim Gaffigan. Awww...I just made myself sad.

Cory, I think this guy would do a pretty good job playing you.

(face)

Don't taze me, Pa

An Oregon man has been arrested for using a stun gun on his kid...who is 18-months old.

I know what you're all thinking. You're thinking that this guy is some kind of animal. Who could use a stun gun on a child? But hey, let's not jump to conclusions. We don't know this child. This kid could be a real asshole.

I can't remember if I entered the bus from behind or not...

Last night, with my belly full of bbq ribs and some mac and cheese, I slept curled up in my nest. I can't see myself when I'm asleep, but I imagine it was a pretty adorable sight. During my sleep, I had a pretty unusual dream. Before I start on the dream, I'd just like to go ahead and say that I have already turned over my testicles to the proper authorities. Apparently, I won't be needing them, according to this dream.

So I was on this bus. I was just minding my own business, but there was this guy a few seats in front of me playing some kind of hand-held game really loudly. I could see people getting pretty pissed off so I went and sat by him and said something like, "Hey man, there are people trying to study. Could you turn it down a little? You know, before they get mad?" Pretty diplomatic, I thought. He turned it down and I went back to my seat. Then this woman sat next to me. She said, "I really like what you did there. Will you walk me home?" I said ok and we made our way to the front of the bus. I figured she was either going to kill me or touch my dong. Both were fine since I was going to do one of the two to myself anyway. As the bus stopped and the doors opened, I glanced at the driver. It was Mrs. Carouthers, my school bus driver. I hadn't seen her since high school about eight or nine years ago. I said hi and she kind of frowned. I was puzzled, but moved on 'cause...you know...the dong touching thing.

So I get off the bus with this woman and she looks at me and says, "Will you carry this beehive?" and she hands me an empty glass jar. Makes no sense, right? It's a dream. I don't get it either, but I carried it. We walked down the road for a little while and we eventually came to this huge beehive with a door. I know...no fucking clue. She invites me inside. Once inside, she starts taking her shirt off. That's when I looked at her and said, "You know, I really should go back and tell Mrs. Carouthers thanks for all the times she took me home. I don't think I've ever said thanks."

And that, my friends, is where the dream ended. Apparently I would rather tell a 60-year-old bus driver thank you for doing her job than have crazy honeycomb sex with some dream lady.

I woke up shortly after. It was a little after 5 am. I was pissed and perplexed all at the same time, but I needed to go home today to get some more of my stuff, so I went ahead and left. When I got back to my hometown, I passed by my old school bus, but Mrs. Carouthers wasn't driving. It was some other lady. I don't know what all this means. Is Mrs. Carouthers still alive? People I know from home, can you find this out for me? In the meantime, I'm going to look at naked lady pictures just to make sure I haven't turned into a homo.

Dear Jimmy's Sister...

I would just like to weigh in on your "situation." So a hot girl said she wanted to, among other things, kiss you. I don't know why you view this as such a bad thing. If anything, I think you should be flattered. I know there's always the "if you were in my shoes" argument. Would I be flattered if some dude was admiring my dong from afar? I can't say whether I would be or not, but that's not the point. The point here is that this is awesome for you. This is possibly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Don't just dismiss it. I say embrace it (and her.) What if this is what you've been looking for? What if that?

I say you give this poor girl a chance. Do it for yourself. Do it for this girl. And most importantly, do it for me. Also, take my camera. I just put new batteries in it. You just click it over to "general picture" and it's ready to take pictures. There's also a high-speed setting. I'm not sure what you'd use that for, but if you could find a way, that would be fantastic.

Thanks,

D.B. <3

Just some random things 'cause I can't sleep and this porn is downloading waaaay too slow

It's 4 a.m. and I can't sleep. Why? Who knows. Too awesome? Probably.

You know what I hate? People who leave comments on dead people's myspace pages. I'm going to write more in-depth on this later. It just bothers me. I don't see the point. You could just as easily think whatever it is you are going to write. It'll have the same effect, which is NOTHING 'CAUSE THEY'RE DEAD. I guess people see it as a way of keeping their memory alive, but if you can't remember somebody without the aid of myspace, then you were a really shitty friend/relative and you should kill yourself so other douches can write, "really missed u at xmas" on your facebook page. FUCK.

Dana Jacobson, ESPN anchor, recently said, "Fuck Jesus" at a celebrity roast for Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic (Mike and Mike.) ESPN has since suspended her. Why say that? I understand it's a roast and you are supposed to go a little "blue," but "Fuck Jesus?" Seriously? I don't know anybody who could pull this off and get a laugh. Kenny tries, though. I think that Dana is mad because Jesus' dad made her face look like this. I'd probably say things like that too if I had to look in a mirror day in and day out.

Imaginary Girlfriend #6,379: Ana Ivanovic

Ana Ivanovic has won my heart...in straight sets. From the moment I saw her, it was 15-love. You guys see what I did there? With the tennis references? Fuckin' genius.

Anyway, yeah. She's pretty hot. I'd definitely let her backhand my balls cross-court. Or forehand. It's up to her. I don't watch a whole lot of tennis. I'm not really sure if she's that good. To me, tennis is to sports what Buck's Pizza in Nacogdoches was to pizza. Sure it's still pizza, but with all the other, better options available, why eat there? On a related note, Buck's was pretty nasty. I ate there once and my ass literally turned into a fountain. I threw a penny in for good luck. And by penny, I mean several rolls of pennies. You know, for extra luck.

So Ana, if you read this and can comprehend English, you just keep on winning (if you were winning in the first place.) Then you swing by and pick me up. We can head back to your home in Serbia. Where is that? Like Virginia or something?

(I have a job interview tomorrow. Pray for me to whatever god you believe in. Well, except for Buddha. You'd just be wasting your time. We had a falling out a couple years ago.)

toothbrush