Sunday, April 5, 2009

That time Cory got married

Cory and Stacy got married last weekend, and being the wonderful people they are, they decided to take a few of us on their honeymoon cruise with them. To say that I had a great time is an understatement. I think this cruise gave me a temporary new lease on life. Good things are going to happen for me eventually. I've just got to be patient.

I'm sure there are more pictures somewhere, but people don't let me borrow their cameras because I'm too awesome. I would have brought mine, but I haven't seen it in about a year and I'm way too lazy to look for it.

Cory and Stacy. Aww...aren't they adorable? Through the window behind them is the remnants of a city once known as Galveston.

This is apparently our standard wedding picture.

Six handsome guys. Too bad Richard and his "Hey, look at me!" tie draw the attention away from the rest of us.

What's up, ladies? (After this picture and a picture I took of my crotch during the wedding ceremony, I wasn't allowed to use cameras anymore. Hence the lack of hilarious pictures.)

Me and my life jacket and ocean rape whistle. You can't be too careful...Marquis Cooper.

Did you know they had bars on cruise ships? Crazy!

I'm sorta the Tiger Woods of air hockey except I'm white and I lose a lot.

Some pirates or something. I don't even know where this is.

This was in Jamaica. Apparently this gentleman was marooned there about 125 years ago. Speaking of Jamaica, what a shithole! Seriously. The depths of shitholeness there are indescribable. Everybody is super pushy and they all drive like fucktards. About 100 yards past where I was offered drugs for the first time, I saw a man creepily clutching a bible while walking past us. He had a huge butcher knife in his pocket. We later saw him in handcuffs with some friendly Jamaican police. Pretty solid place.

Drinking some red stripe on the beach in Jamaica. Hooray Jamaica.

There was a place on the ship called the Aquarium Bar. I had almost a $400 bar tab. I'm pretty amazing like that. Not sure what I'm doing in this picture other than being drunk. Jim and Me. I think that's Grand Cayman behind us. I'm not sure. I didn't make it off the boat that day. I had a super sunburn and decided to alleviate the pain with about 982739847234 "yak" and cokes. Mexicans say stuff funny.

Drunk again. And unintentionally looking like I'm about to blow Jon. I promise unintentionally, Mom.

Cozumel. We were on a private beach with free drinks and I thought the girl to my left was super hot and amazing. It was the perfect storm of awkwardness and also the birthplace of the worst sunburn I've ever had. A sunburn that turned my right leg into a giant blister like a napalmed Vietnamese kid. After a whole lot of Jack, I sat directly in the sun and attempted to entertain her for about 2 hours. I gave her a seashell that looked like a teddy graham. I'm not sure how that didn't immediately win her heart.

Cory in Cozumel holding a can that's slightly heavier than he is.

A bootleg ipod I won in the arcade for being the greatest digital block stacker IN THE WORLD, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Drunkenly blow drying Stacy's hair. Why? Who knows.

Other points of interest:
  • While holding her hand, I told a Romanian woman that I thought she was the "most beautiful woman I had ever seen." She was a customer service rep. In her adorable broken, accented English, she said it was the nicest thing anybody had ever said to her. She also looked like she was 50/50 on whether or not to call security. But she didn't. That equals a win in my book.
  • Played three games of dodge ball which totaled about 45 seconds. We sucked pretty bad.
  • I bought a sweet wooden cat head in Mexico because it seemed like the right thing to do.
  • I could have gotten an autograph from one of the original Jamaican bobsledders. Oooor, I could have picked up a wet piece of dog shit. Both of equal value.
  • Sadly, Galveston was the worst port we were in.
  • Sarcasm + foreigners = a good time.
  • I heard "Your Call" by Secondhand Serenade so many times on the boat that I downloaded it when I got home. I hate myself.
  • I think that foreign women are much more attractive than American women, and will probably think my bullshit is charming instead of just bullshit.


portuguesa nova said...

1. Sun and sea=good for the soul.

2. Foreign women are way hotter than Americans...better dressed, better shape, etc...but American women have one thing on the women of all the rest of the world: we age well. This, in my mind, is priceless. You're only young for like 5 years. You're old forever and usually you have more money at that point.

3. I have no idea why, but I always thought you needed to find a foreign woman...Eastern Euro. Strange that you then mention Romania.

4. I want to go on a cruise.

5. My sister in law recently returned from Jamaica where she said she had a fantastic time except, I do not exaggerate, "that it was overrun with obnoxious Americans". (she did not say that part in English and believed I could not understand it)

DB said...

I guess Jamaica is just different. Personally, I didn't care for it. I didn't like how pushy everybody was. The beach was nice. Rum was cheap.

The Romanian woman was ridiculously beautiful. I was pretty drunk and felt the need to tell her that. I'm not sure what good it did me. I could see myself with a foreign woman. The American ones aren't exactly beating down my door.

You should go on a cruise. It was pretty awesome and not really that expensive (especially considering that I didn't pay for it.) I spent quite a bit on alcohol, though.

The sun and sea were good, I think. I could have done without the sunburn which still hurts almost a week after the fact, but all in all, I had a great time.

Cory said...

How could you write this trip report and not mention of Hsan from the jungle??

Thinkinfyou said...

Looks and sounds like you had a great time! I was afraid you got kidnapped by pirates!

God's gift to women (with really low standards) said...

I wish...

Invisible G. said...

Same goes for foreign men, pasty Canadian guys suck.

joseph thomas said...

dude you crack me up....keep up the the good stuff...and are you sure the Romanian woman wasn't actually a cross dressing clerk named Bob??!!!.hehe :D