In the immortal words of Puddle of Mudd...She fuckin' hates me

It was about 2 a.m. here and I was checking my email/match.com/whatifsports before I went to bed. I had the match.com window still open while I checked on my WIS team. Suddenly I got an IM from a girl via match.com's instant messaging thingy. It said, "Are you painting your eggs?" What the hell? "Is that a masturbation euphemism? Shit! Can she see me," I wondered (and panicked.) "Um, I did earlier. How about you?" I replied, still unsure what was going on and also unaware match.com had instant messaging. I checked her profile. It was well written aside from a stray apostrophe, but I'm totally willing to overlook that. She was from somewhere in NY that had the word "ball" in the name. I giggled.

Some stupid banter followed for a little while until I said, "So what made you IM me randomly? It was my boyish charm, wasn't it? Oh God it was. I swear being so charming is a curse sometimes." I understand that if you don't know someone that could sound a bit conceited, but I figure you'd only think that if you were, oh say...an idiot. "How are you charming? Give me an example." Obviously I wasn't ready to follow up with examples 'cause, you know, I don't really have any. I made up some crap about how there were too many to pick from.

Then the conversation turned back to her talking about Easter and how she painted "funny" things on the eggs like "eat eggs." Fucking HILARIOUS! At this point I pretty much decided that she wasn't really my kind of person. I asked her what kind of music she liked to listen to. She rattled off some music snob bands, and her list started with Death Cab for Cutie. Bluh. She also thought it would be nice to send me an Ingrid Michaelson song. Awesome. I'll file that under "S" for shit I'm never going to listen to ever. She then asked me if I wanted to "see something cute." I passed up obvious mirror jokes and said yes. She sent me a .wmv file. I had to ask Jon what that was. He called me a "n00b." It was a video of her sitting in front of her computer. I got kind of excited, but four boobless seconds later the video was over.

She was really cute. Like waaay too cute to randomly IM a hairless yeti such as myself. My first thought was that she was attempting to steal my identity. Then I laughed as I pictured her face when she hacked into whatever hackers hack into to see my credit. I imagine her face was something like mine when I thought, "Hey, meatspin? That sounds neat. Let's give that a click."

"Wow, you're a lot prettier than me," I said. Then I immediately slapped myself when I realized that was very close to a line from Knocked Up. Fuck, I've turned into Jimmy. "Is that supposed to be a compliment? You're a guy. I'm supposed to be prettier than you." Then she got what I thought was faux-offended, but it turned out to be real offended. I tried to say funny stuff to make it better. "Do you like digging a deeper hole and offending women?" she asked.

Then she said, "Redeem yourself and send me something cute." My first thought was of my penis with a tiny top hat and monocle, but I learned my lesson about sending pictures of my penis over the internet. (Fuckin' Chris Hanson.) Sensing that this was already not working and that she was kind of a bitch, I decided to browse my extensive library of stupid shit I've photoshopped. This little gem seemed to stand out above all the others. "This is what it would look like if I had a toothbrush as a best friend...in a perfect world." "Wow, boys are weird," she said. "Yep. Well, I should probably go to bed now. You have a hoppy Easter. See what I did there? Hoppy? Like a bunny? Yeah. Night!"

No reply. Eh, we had a good run.

That's pretty much how my weekend went. My mom threw out my bed, I was bitten by a dog and my 3-year-old niece made up a song about how "Dale Binty" smells like poop and garbage. It's actually pretty catchy. I can maybe see the garbage, but the poop is a bit of a stretch.